Olho minha hora favorita no relógio do note enquanto escrevo. Agora já mudou...
Tudo muda. Tudo passa.
O mar de minha mente sobe, desce, vem, vai. Em geral tem sido um mar turbulento.
So fucking big waves. Washing me down. But I'm getting better and better in surfing these tidal waves. Getting more skilful. Getting wiser.
I'm a very fortunate being. The universe has been kind to me. Today I was able to open my heart, the sea of love simply flowed freely. I wouldn't be able to let this happen two days ago. I was so sad and hurt.
But something happened from Wednesday to Thursday. And today midday I did something I thought it was unthinkable in the early morning: I was sincere. True. I just did and said what is in my heart. What I feel and what I am. The best of me. The real me.
There was so much more to be said. I miss you terribly. You are always on my mind and your absence brings down me to my knees. Sometimes I think this process will never end, and I'll be miserable forever. So close to sheer despair. But these are just another passing waves, like everything.
And everything I did and everything I'm going through was necessary. I had to lose you, the one I wanted most, to get to the core of me and to be able to become who I'm meant to be. Such a price to pay. I wish I could have made it differently. Smoothly.
Now I'm sitting all alone, drinking champagne. A kind of birthday celebration. I can't say I'm glad. But I can't say I'm unhappy either. I'm recovering. Healing. It took me 49 years to get here. It cost me a marriage. It cost me you. It cost me a whole lot more. But it was worth it. I'm almost done now.